Your book is labelled BDSM? Are you kidding me?

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So let’s talk about BDSM in erotic romances…

I read a lot; that is an understatement. I read everything about menages from menage à trois with almost (*)  straight guys to bisexual guys with one girl, from two guys to multiple men… and of course BDSM menages.

(*) almost straight because I do not believe a guy can remain totally straight when he finds his pleasure by touching thru a very thin wall another guy’s part… not gay, not bi, but definitely not straight in my book.

I said it before and I will say it again: I am not an expert. I believe I have made this crystal clear already but I want to repeat myself just in case.

That said, I have some knowledge, personal and also from the books I’ve read. Does that makes me an expert? No, definitely not. I will never say what is right or wrong. I will only say what works for me. As a reader and somebody who met Dom(me)s and subs in real life in my community and online, I definitely recognize what is romanticized and what represents the reality of the lifestyle. And let me tell you something to ponder here: reality has nothing to do with what you read in general. (Please note the “in general” because I do not want to put every book and author in the same basket; far from it.)

I can tell your right now, right here that I read tons of romances labelled BDSM that had nothing to do with the lifestyle. So my question is this: does every story has to be real up to the infinite detail? No! Of course not. Many reasons for that.

First, many readers do not care about BDSM, plain and simple. They care to read a romance with some kinky sex scenes and some fantasies they probably have but never experienced. Nothing wrong with that. I have fantasies that I am pretty sure I will keep in my head or share with my partner(s), but to make them reality, probably not. Give them some naughty spankings that leaves no marks, dominant heroes that know what to do in the bedroom and in charge, a sweet petite naive woman, still virgin at 25 if possible and those readers will be in happy FantasyDomLand… does that means this romance is a BDSM? I will tell you in two words: No Way!

Sadly, I read so many of them that I lost count. I am not into FantasyDomLand romances. I wish I was, trust me, because it would remove so much frustration.

Then I wonder why so many authors are convinced they write BDSM when they do not? Where does it come from? And my main question is this: in order to write BDSM, is it mandatory that the authors must be either a Dom(me) or a sub(missive) or just close to the lifestyle in real life?

No! But is it a difficult response eh? My response is this: it helps… tremendously! Why? Because, there are some details that only people who are living it will know. The je-ne-sais-quoi that makes a story so much more credible, so much more lovable. Although, this is not an absolute proof if the author lives (or claim to anyway) the lifestyle, that she will deliver a credible story. I have a couple of titles and authors names in my head I could list you but this blog is not about pointing direct fingers and more about sensitize people in general, so I will bite my tongue for now. Let’s just say that I know immediately who is a professional and who took time to learn and/or deliver what is the lifestyle and who took the easy way out.

Then, I wonder, since I can tell you that I read at least 2/3 of “false BDSM romances” I buy regularly, and some authors look like very popular and well established, where are the other readers, like me, that wish to read adult D/s romances written for adult people that want consistencies and credibility on top of a romantic relationship. Are those not compatible?

Is it too much to ask the authors to do their homework and make sure they understand that their public is middle-aged women, not teenagers. How romantic and sweet can a deflowered sex scene be, really? I mean the list will go on and on and on with example of “me, caveman wannabe Dom; you, my brainless sex toy slave”.

I am not a 15 years virgin old girl. I am a few decades older and I know by now that Knights in White Armor do not exist. Perfect Dom(me)s do not exist. To be treated like a piece of trash is not acceptable. To be forced to have sex is called R.A.P.E. in my book no matter if the book is tagged “forced seduction”!

Everyone, living or just interested in the lifestyle, should keep in fluo letters: Safe, Sane and Consensual. ALWAYS! Those are no vain words. But I read so many romances labelled BDSM with no respect with the “consensual”, that is very sad that authors do not understand, and me thinking do not even want to understand which is worse, how important it is to respect the fundamental roots of the lifestyle.

So why the label BDSM when it is not? Because it sells. Because each time a reader sees a BDSM label, this reader associate it with hot kinky sex, and it sells.

And people like me who know it is not right will hardly raise their hand to protest because they may feel they are not the experts to say anything and here we go with the vicious circle with unsatisfied silent readers and authors that will continue to believe they are the best BDSM author of the decade because they are selling their stories.

Truth is, the lifestyle community do not care much. They know better. Can we say the same thing with all the readers? Can we assume that some naive readers will truthfully believe that because an author published and labelled the story BDSM, this published author has the knowledge just like a doctor with a diploma and what she read is what she should expect in real life: disrespect, bullying… worse, be forced to have sex, all because reading it over and over in so many different stories, it has to be true and, after all, if the man is gorgeous, it is sexy and all BS we can think of. Of course, no author should be responsible of how their readers will use their story in real life but considering the level of risks (rapes, beating, bullying), some authors should stop being so careless and think that the message they carry is not right, not right at all. BDSM is not a Disney story. Villain can be very real and dangerous… Sadly, heroes will be disguised in villains and readers will have no clue because the lifestyle will be completely distorted from reality.

I should know better but I will still shake my head and add author’s name on my black list and write poor reviews and be frustrated that I spent my money and time.

I wished publishers and authors would respect their readers a bit and make a clear distinction between D/s, BDSM elements, Bondage (Shibari)… and avoid to call their story a BDSM story and call their heroes Dom(me)s. I wished they had integrity towards their customers and not fool them all with false labels.

This said, I will add a grain of salt because I know that certain publishers give no choice in the labels. Few authors from different publishers told me that their stories are indeed D/s and not BDSM but their publishers decide the way to promote. Not fair to ignore their voices, but a reality.

Can I also add something, since I am on my face-palm mood? Could people who do not live the lifestyle, know nothing about it, shut the F* up instead of leaving stupid comments they may call reviews? I read so many of them that it is not even funny anymore. If you do not like a BDSM romance, do not read it, dammit! If a Dom(me) is not the way you think a Dom should be, can you just be a smart cookie and think that a Dom(me) is not a copycat of another Dom(me), the same way each and every relationship is different?

Sorry… I don’t do stupid.

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